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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29729685">Fantasy of a Fantasy</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/avoidfilledwithcelluloid/pseuds/avoidfilledwithcelluloid'>avoidfilledwithcelluloid</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Death Note &amp; Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime &amp; Manga)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Accidental Voyeurism, Exhibitionism, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Masturbation, Pre-Yotsuba Arc (Death Note), Sexual Fantasy, Trans Male Character, Vibrators, Voyeurism, trans nonbinary character</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 20:01:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,178</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29729685</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/avoidfilledwithcelluloid/pseuds/avoidfilledwithcelluloid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Supposing Light Yagami was a homosexual – then why wasn’t there evidence of any gay dalliances? L didn’t expect a rainbow flag, but even closeted people left small, imperceptible clues. Being queer himself, L knew what to look for but he found Light and his monitored life without a trace of hidden passion. Whatever desires existed for Light were wrapped up, unexplored, repressed as all the best urges unfortunately were. So L returned again to the main question – what did Light Yagami want in a lover?"</p><p>(While monitoring the Yagami family home for suspicious activity, L catches Light getting off to a dirty magazine and projects what he thinks his main suspect's fantasies might be.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>L/Yagami Light</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>153</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Fantasy of a Fantasy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>honestly, this fic is one of those where my general idea (L's projection of Light being more about his own desires than Light's) is sort of weird nebulous high concept stuff and then the actual fic, while still being about that, can b boiled down into: L watches Light get off and gets off to him getting off. But also, ya know, I transed their genders because I think its much sexier (∩^o^)⊃━☆ plz enjoy my humble fic offerings</p><p>also! ah! thank you to my friend and pal nilahxapiel for giving this fic feedback that rlly helped!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Watching the monitor after a time became boring to L. He swiped his finger across a fruit parfait, sucked the yogurt and zoned out. Like he did every afternoon, Light Yagami threw his school books on the bed. No rest for the studious, L supposed. Beside him in the monitor room was Matsuda, the only task force member available in the afternoons. The man cracked his neck, stretching his arms upward, and complained.</p><p>“I haven’t had a good date in ages,” Matsuda said. “Women these days want too much.”</p><p>“How much is too much, Matsui?” L didn’t look away from the monitor as he talked; Light was unpacking, and L wanted to make sure nothing strange slipped his purview. “I assume that a woman wants what all humans want. Connection, a capable partner, maybe stability.”</p><p>“Pfft,” Matsuda waved his hand and slouched in his office chair. “Nah. You’re thinking too logically. What they want is a guy who’s got all the money, all the power, and if you don’t have those things, you’re out of luck.”</p><p>“Perhaps your problem,” L said, “is assuming that all a woman wants is a man.”</p><p>“My problem is that I’m not picky and all the girls I like <em>are </em>picky,” Matsuda said.</p><p>He folded an arm across his chest and gestured with the other arm to Light onscreen.</p><p>“It’s because I’m <em>too </em>available,” he continued. “Like Light, he’s got the pick of any girl he likes because he’s so choosy. Girls like stuck-up men, guys who wouldn’t give them the time of day. That’s why a guy like Light’s so popular with the ladies.”</p><p>Stirring his yogurt and strawberries, L considered the trait. No, he didn’t think Light was stuck up. Rather the young Yagami struck him as indifferent, playing nice with those around him instead of letting anyone in. The most he ever saw Light project affection was in the rooms of his family home, laughing and smiling with his parents and sister. A few times, not consecutively but enough to form a pattern, L found true fondness expressed by Light to be attractive. He was no expert on popular guys but this one was very pretty when smiling.</p><p>“No,” L said. “Light isn’t stuck up. He’s just a little green.”</p><p>“Sure,” Matsuda shrugged. “I guess at eighteen he’s not really, uh, figured out what he wants yet.”</p><p>Onscreen, Light unpacked chips, a notebook, and textbooks – study time. L rolled his eyes; Light while studying was boring. And it meant more near-silent audio during which Matsuda could talk. Blech.</p><p>“You know, I’ve wondered,” Matsuda said, his voice quiet and cautious. “Well, it’s just wondering. Not something I know for a fact.”</p><p>“Good thing you’ve brought it up,” L droned. “Is this related to the case?”</p><p>“Sort of. It’s about Light.”                                                            </p><p>Perking his ears, L sucked yogurt off his spoon and used the empty instrument to prompt Matsuda to continue.</p><p>“I’ve always thought it was kind of weird how little he seems to like girls,” Matsuda said. “Even though he’s got so many that want to date him. I’ve met Light a few times when I first started at the department a year ago, employee parties and stuff where Chief brought his family. He’s nice, almost flirty.” He took a deep breath and spoke in a forced conspiratorial tone. “There’s something kind of off about him though. Can’t put my finger on it.”</p><p>“Please be clear in your implications, Matsui,” L said. “I don’t like to deal with suspense.”</p><p>“I think he’s a homosexual,” Matsuda said, with a finality that nearly broke a laugh out of L. <em>A homosexual</em>. The way the man said it almost implied this statement was on par with solving the entire Kira case. <em>Yes, Matsuda Touta’s cracked it: the Chief’s son is one of the gays his mother warned him about. </em>Rather than the guffaw begging in his throat, L released an irritated huff and put his spoon back in his parfait.</p><p>“Light Yagami is a suspect,” L said. “Your speculations on his sexuality are not prudent to the case, nor do I suggest you keep speculating within earshot of the rest of the task force. Throwing around rumors does little to build teamwork.”</p><p>“Do you think I’m making it up?” Matsuda sat up straight with his tone indignant. “You don’t even know him that well. I mean, I’ve met Light. You haven’t.” He snapped his fingers, a grin on his face like a lawyer handed the perfect evidence. “At one of those work parties, even, he’s flirted with me. I wasn’t into his game, of course, but he did shake my hand for a little too long. Asked all about my job. Plus he had this weird way of walking, almost like a swish with his hips.”</p><p>Both L and Matsuda turned to the monitor, where Light was putting away his school clothes. After straightening his jacket, Light walked out of his closet and to his desk: not a trace of any “swish” in his gait.</p><p>“Someone being polite is not the same as flirting,” L mumbled through a large parfait spoonful. “Though I doubt the object of Light’s perceived homosexual leanings would be yourself.”</p><p>“Oh, I’m not good enough?” Matsuda snipped. “Who do you think Light would be gay for? Someone like you? Bossy and skinny and big-eyed?”</p><p>L chewed a strawberry and shrugged. His inner thoughts were more alarmed, hoping that Matsuda hadn’t caught the crumbs of attraction he tasted while Light was onscreen, but outside he wiped yogurt off his lip. He set his gray eyes flatly on Matsuda, who shrunk in his chair.</p><p>“Don’t forget who is running this investigation, Matsui,” L said. “And in any case, our job is not to assign Light Yagami a romantic preference. It is to monitor him for any type of suspicious activity.”</p><p>Cowed, Matsuda stayed quiet for the rest of his shift. When he left, there were no other members coming to take over his post and so L watched the Yagami family eat dinner alone. Light sat beside his sister, his brown hair disheveled from a nap he took earlier and a small piece of seaweed stuck to his lip. After she pointed it out, Light and his sister laughed while he wiped the green speck away. L mirrored the finger slide on his own lips. A fantasy came to him of sitting across from Light, their business closed off in a small restaurant booth, and L reaching across to brush away a seaweed piece from Light’s lips. Would they be wet? Maybe just a little chapped, catching the whorl of L’s fingerprint. Pink might spread over his cheeks, matching L’s own blush, and in the easy glide of his voice, Light would say,</p><p>“Thank you.”</p><p>L blinked as he drew back to reality, where Light was thanking his mother for the meal. Frustrated, L picked at his lip – only grateful he always did the night shift alone.</p><p>For the next hour, Light took his books out and studied. He watched some television and, by extension, L watched the TV too. Some boxing that Light made noises at, then he caught the tail end of a drama. L riffled through his notes on the other suspects, although they were all a little wanting. He didn’t have much to stick on any of them really, except for a few particulars.</p><p>Unfortunately, no outside stimulation allowed his mind to stroll back to his earlier conversation with Matsuda. What did <em>Light </em>want? What were his <em>predilections</em>? L didn’t consider himself a student of gender. (Shorthand, he was nonbinary; longer and more accurately, he was a conceptual and ever churning soup of gender notions.) Yet, he didn’t miss how Light paid little attention to most women outside those in his family. Soichiro, when L asked to beef up his file on Light, spoke in skimpy detail on his son’s dating history – no girls brought to dinner, no hang-outs that made his son late or come home with hickies.</p><p>And, yes, supposing Matsuda’s theory (and generous, L was, to call that gossipy whisper a <em>theory</em>) were correct. Supposing Light Yagami was a homosexual – then why wasn’t there evidence of any gay dalliances? L didn’t expect a rainbow flag, but even closeted people left small, imperceptible clues. Being queer himself, L knew what to look for but he found Light and his monitored life without a trace of hidden passion. Whatever desires existed for Light were wrapped up, unexplored, <em>repressed </em>as all the best urges unfortunately were. So L returned again to the main question – what did Light Yagami want in a lover?</p><p>L swallowed, his bite of cake bigger and drier than he expected. Setting aside his dessert, he took up a yellow pad and sketched out a small list of what he expected Light to want. <em>Intelligence</em>: well, obviously the top student in Japan would want a partner of some brains. Pen to his lips, L imagined what Light’s ideal date might be – maybe a trip to a bookshop? When he pictured the scene, it was his own hand in Light’s. He tugged the boy into a small alcove, pressed a book in his hands and watched interest dance in those brown eyes while he explained the text’s meaning.</p><p><em>Discretion: </em>yes, yes, Light proved himself quite covetous of privacy. If a lover were to show affection, it would make sense for Light to request it be away from prying eyes. Then, delving himself further into the imagined bookshop, what Light would want was L to secret him into the shop’s bathroom, into the last stall, for a long passionate kiss. Perhaps his lips might be a little chapped and as they were opened, slipped between, Light would thrill at how he was both hidden and seen. L chuckled. If only Light knew he were being watched right then.</p><p>Light shut off his television and went to his bookcase. Raising his eyebrow, L discarded his notes. In the past several days of observation, Light had rarely gone to his bookcase.</p><p>On the third shelf from the bottom, Light pulled a large coffee table book out: the subject, blurred through the monitor screen, appeared to be the art of Michelangelo. He cracked open the pages and L’s eyebrow went higher. The pages didn’t flip but split down the middle into a secret compartment. Untucking a magazine from a stash of about five others, Light took the glossy thing to his bed and propped himself up on the pillows, magazine spread laid over his lap. Clear even through static feedback was a naked figure, cock big and erect, posed in a centerfold spread.</p><p>So Light Yagami liked pornography. That sort of business wasn’t unusual for a young man of his age. L leaned closer to the monitor. His curiosity, he admitted, wasn’t just for professional, deductive reasons. He wanted to see what sort of physicality made Light look at such a dirty little magazine.</p><p>Light traced a finger down the pale chest of the centerfold, lingering over the cock and then rising back up to the face. There was a lithe muscle to the model, and L recognized the dark hair as close to his own messy curls. In fact, taking a second look at the centerfold, L was sure that the model looked a <em>lot </em>like himself. For a moment, Light pushed the magazine away and reached into his nightstand, rummaging. He pulled the picture back up and unbuttoned his pants, a vibrator now balanced on his stomach.</p><p>L looked away. His instinct to protect Light’s privacy felt off, not his usual reaction. Maybe he was embarrassed: his own likeness, basically, was his suspect’s masturbatory material. Thinking that, L smirked. That would show Matsuda, wouldn’t it? If Light really did prefer features like L’s? With his eyes still averted, all L understood of what his suspect’s activity was a thrumming noise and Light’s sighs.</p><p>He flicked his stare to the screen and then away again – consuming Light’s self-pleasure in second-long clips. <em>What could be the fantasy behind Light’s closed eyes?</em> L wondered. It hadn’t been long since L masturbated himself but his fantasies were often abstract, more sensations than full scenes. An arm of a man who fisted him; the legs of a genderqueer partner who asked L to call xir Baby; sometimes, in more recent sessions, he did find Light’s secret genuine smile among the flickers – inching closer and closer to the final thing L thought of before he came. Was Light the same way, or was he a story teller? L looked to the monitor again and caught a second of an open mouth, a wand-vibrator head pressed to the hot point between split legs.</p><p>He looked back at the table in front of him. Oh. Interesting. L watched the blurry mirror of the screen over the lacquered table surface. His first thought, which he didn’t like, was that he figured out the source of the “swish” Matsuda mentioned. Light Yagami wasn’t simply gay; he was gay and a transgender man. The party, L deduced as his eyes flickered over the thrumming shadow reflection, must have been early in transition. Though he discarded his notes, he added a third item to Light’s expected wants: <em>connection. </em>L couldn’t deny a thrill at knowing this thread the two of them both held – that if he were to look at Light from across a room, their eyes would meet and it would be two creatures recognizing another of a similar kind. Without seeing, he heard low moans, a soft begging.</p><p>“Oh,” Light sighed. “More, please. I want mo-ore.”</p><p>Was Light’s fantasy of a lover being withholding? Someone teasing him and coaxing those pleas out: someone he trusted to see his uncovered body and make it sing for them. The concept built itself without L’s permission, although he didn’t struggle against placing himself as the one doing the teasing. After all, the object of Light’s current masturbation looked so much like him; it wasn’t a long walk to think maybe Light was self-pleasuring to the thought of L – despite never having met L.</p><p>In his jeans, L’s cock twitched further awake. Light’s fantasy, he considered, might be an escape from his usual scheduled life. The clean-cut college student always longed to be loosened, didn’t they? In this fantasy, Light wanted L to strip him down to a vulnerable creature – a thing of desires only met by another’s hand. He pictured behind Light’s eyes that the vibrator was held by L’s own hand, that Light was settled in his lap while L pressed the toy to his straining cock. The moans from the monitor audio synced with this vision – “Right there,” Light said, head tossed back. “Oh, <em>yeah</em>. You’re going to make me come so hard.”</p><p>“I’d like to see you come,” L said in his fantasy of Light’s fantasy. His real hand came down to palm himself through his jeans; his fantasized hand slid a finger between the molten split of Light’s pussy lips. L would feel the engorged T-cock Light bucked toward his touch, how the tender skin was full of blood and desire. They were still in his bedroom, with all the detritus of childhood watching Light ride against the head of his vibrator, stifling his moans so his parents wouldn’t hear his pleasure. L would lower his lips and suck on that junction between neck and shoulder, which Light never showed in his buttoned up wardrobe. He must dream, L reasoned, of having a love mark there to hide.</p><p>L glanced at the monitor, unsurprised to see Light finger himself. The magazine was discarded, having fallen off Light’s lap as his legs bent up and out. His masturbation was a frenzy, eager and passionate. Mewls fell from his lips, and L imagined kissing the noises off Light – tasting his frantic energy as L brought him to an orgasmic peak. Onscreen, Light appeared out of control but L knew, behind those squeezed shut eyes, that Light’s imaginary lover had him under tight command. He knew because it had to be his hands lifting Light’s legs, his fingers dipping into the hot greedy hole, and his voice pushing Light to beg for completion.</p><p>“Give it to me harder, please,” Light murmured – the speakers crackling over his plea. “Just a little more and I’ll be there.”</p><p>His wrist rotated the wand and his hips bucked in rabbit-short thrusts. L scrambled to unbutton his jeans; the finale was coming and he wanted to meet Light at it. Cock fully erect, he untucked the length from his boxers and spat on his hand. He tracked the blissed out rolling of Light’s eyes while he pumped himself, replacing all the trappings of fantasy Light’s fantasy with his own desires. Light smiling at him over a quiet dinner; Light sitting in L’s lap; Light studying, brushing a stray lock of hair behind his ear but being too focused to notice it fall again: these visions flooded L’s mind. Then, the last tableau descended over L: a vision of Light, nude and eager, kneeling at his feet in the very room he was in now. Behind them fizzled the monitor displaying the Yagami house from every angle but all L’s attention fell on hands that couldn’t be real sliding over his thighs. Light hovered his mouth over the naked cock tip, his breath dusting over it with the promise of decadent fellatio. From under his lashes, he looked up at L. His gaze was a rapier and pierced a clean hole through the detective.</p><p>“This is what I’ve always wanted,” Light said. “You’re just how I imagined.”</p><p>L’s eyes flew open as he came. Onscreen, the real Light screamed and muffled his bliss into his pillow. Exhaustion followed a moment later – for both of them. Light slumped back on his static-fuzzy bed, dropping his vibrator down and running a hand through the slick trickling from between his legs. He never took his shirt off, L noticed, and his pants were kicked to the ground. As Light took long, heavy breaths, his shirt shifted and fell, revealing a single curve of a breast. The reveal filed away before L even considered it and he knew the image would appear the next time he took himself in hand. Sighing, L leaned back in his chair. He needed a shower.</p><p>Slowly, he watched Light continue to stroke himself in gentle brushes. There was a calm to him unlike what he’d shown before. L frowned; Light appeared entirely too calm. Brown eyes glanced upward and their dark gaze caught the camera lens dead on. From a long distance away, Light looked at L directly. He lifted his fingers to his mouth and licked them.</p><p>“Thank you,” he said – too soft for the audio to be trustworthy. The feedback crackled; the static made his mouth unreadable. Yet L could hear through the distractions of technology.</p><p><em>You’re welcome, </em>L thought. He imagined Light heard him – a fantasy to fall among all the others.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>wow! you got to the end of the fic. what did you think? let me know in a comment! and, if u liked this, mayhaps u'll also like my tumblr @translightyagami ヾ(•ω•`)o frank you for reading!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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